THE FOLLOWING LETTER IS A SATIRE.
FROM THE OVAL OFFICE
As I am currently running for reelection to the office of the Presidency of the United States, I can only begin to express my gratitude to you, the Republican Presidential candidates, for smearing one another as well as Conservatives across the nation. I am being sincere when I say that without your tiring efforts to attack other Republicans, I could never be as ahead in the polls as I am now. I mean it, you've all been a real help.
I'll address you first Governor Romney. I'd like to congratulate you and thank you tremendously for ending the hopes of Texas Governor Rick Perry. I'll be honest, I was a bit afraid that a successful nine-year Governor who can connect with the American people might pose a threat to my reelection bid, but thanks to you, I am no longer need to worry. Your direct insults to him and your questioning of his intelligence has led to the end of his campaign... Phew! You've also saved me a ton of money in ad campaigns, as my team was planning to go after Speaker Gingrich's moon colony, but I see you've already done that! Furthermore, your relentless attacks on Rick Santorum, calling him a Washington insider, couldn't be more appreciated here at the White House. Pennsylvania Democrats are thankful too! (We wouldn't want him to make a political comeback, now would we.... Lawlz!)
Now for you, Senator. Thanks for repeating over and over that a vote for Romney is a vote for me, because I love to get votes! Furthermore, calling Mitt a social liberal as led to a backlash of politicians and pundits pointing out your fiscally liberal record. Things just can't get better for me! In other news, my running mate Joe Biden wants me to extend his thanks to you for knocking down possible Republican Vice Presidential nominees like Paul Ryan and Chris Christie. I guess it only took an endorsement for Romney to get you to turn on your fellow Conservatives. Two points for my team! I can't wait to play the soundbites of a Republican attacking them if one of them is chosen as the GOP Veep pick.
Newt, your negativity has been a real boost to my campaign. Really. Calling Michele Bachmann factually inaccurate has put me one step closer to solving my TEA Party problem, and saying that Ron Paul would make a dangerous President would really be handy if I end up facing him in the general election! Imagine tv ads including Republicans knocking down the man who go their party's nomination. You're making this too easy, Newt!
Now for you Congressman Paul. You've attacked members of your own party since you've joined Congress, so I'll be sending you a fruit basket along with my heartfelt thanks. You deserved it buddy! I loved how you've called other Conservatives, even TEA Party members, insiders and Washington elitist. It's been a big help!
Sincerely, the man who's job your making easier, Barack Obama.